Monthly Archives: July 2019

Journal Entry: Letting Go

Welcome back to a new post, owlnerds. Today I share a journal entry. I am currently in the progress of moving my second blog stuff to here. I thought best to work on one blog instead of juggling two. So there will be blog posts from my other blog. You have been warned.

(From Feb. 11, 2019)



So this blog post is long overdue. I probably avoiding this post for the longest even before I launched this blog itself. I told myself I would never write this but I think if you write something down it is easier to let go of the situation.

Letting go of a situation you can’t control at all is a struggle. I have been struggling it, especially with this situation. I wouldn’t go into details but if you know me you probably what the story is about. Or now know the real reason behind some of my recent actions I been doing. So I know this person for the longest time and we promised to go to the same places (college, living together, and such) but this idea we had was not the same of what God wanted. And for one, I didn’t want this to happen. And for years, I saw signs but ignored it. Since I have a tendency to give people ton of second chances.

The first signs of this were I had this person and another person really close to me but they clash. And that person knew fell apart and I couldn’t believe it happen.

The other person we got closer but slowly we fell apart. We were not close friends anymore and the worst thing is that I am too afraid to talk to the person and ask what we are anymore. Since I am afraid of being shattered again. The other worst thing about is that I see this person at least one week and I always seem to pass this person. It really is a struggle and fear I have still never get over it. So prayer would is much needed.

And being who I am, wrote poems to express my mixed feeling toward them and no one actually knows the real reason behind those poems. I really just lost myself in this. I now avoid getting close to people or making new friends because I am afraid the past will repeat itself. If you are a friend reading this, I am sorry I have been distant and it isn’t because of my introverted nature, it’s because of this.

Now I write the harder part of this post. Another thing, I struggle to let go. So around five years ago and everything was going well. A new year was happening and everything was fine until one day my family received news that would change my life forever. The news was that my grandfather I died from unknown reasons. I had already been struggling since I saw him in the hospital with blood clots in his legs around a year before. But to lose him, I think I froze. And once you hear some sad like this, you would cry and get emotional but I just didn’t. I refused to believe it. My best friend was gone. The closest family member, I had was gone. The worst thing is that I don’t know if he is heaven since he never gave testimony in his belief in God so I was basically devasted.

When people say you will see them in heaven and I know it is in God’s power whether or not he is heaven or not. But this is another thing shattered me. I shut all emotion out and started to see hallucinations of him whenever we drove to places. We would be driving I would see someone that looked like him on the side of the road but no one was actually there. I was just imagining it. The hardest thing, when you are at the store and you see someone that looks at him but know isn’t since he is not here anymore.

Its been a struggle the past several years and I still am affected by it. This is the reason why it is so hard for me to let go. And of course, they are just memories. I am trusting God in all of this. Yeah, the real reason behind my distance toward people. Thanks for reading.



Under the Grave: A Poem

Welcome back, owlnerds! I am currently open to blog post ideas.

Here is a poem, I wrote a few weeks enjoy!

I laid there silent and cold

As the world continued on

Under the surface of where people walk

Talked and embraced

Clueless of what will happen next 

After the service where people throw dirt

Upon the new bed, I now lay on

I am dead as a doorknob

I can’t think of the memories

I once had.

Or the sweet and soft touch of my beloved.

Will I go to heaven or hell?

Before we die, we look at two options

Chained and tortured in hell forever

Or fellowshipping with Jesus and deceased loved ones.  

I for one do not skip a heartbeat 

I know I will go to heaven

I believe Him as the One True God

His Son came down to earth

He chose me with the filth

 And wickedness, I carry.

Lord willing, He will open the gates of heaven 

And greet me with open arms

And now you are questioning 

If I know if I will see my loved ones in heaven

And no, I don’t. 

But I trust Him. 

There comes a time

Where we will die or 

We find out that someone close died

Its a sad time but we should rejoice

 That we will meet again in heaven.

Death, a thing which is unnatural in our way of life

A thing we shouldn’t take lightly

Created by our ancestors

The founding father of man, Adam

 And ourselves for we are from him.

We were tempted by the serpent 

To disobey God 

For we believed that we would become a

Godlike such like

 Our Father who made

But it was lies.

Now we are dead. 

Under the ground

Cold and alone

 Preparing for our judgment

The time is drawing near

And whether  or not

We will be under grave

Is a question

That will be soon answered.

Final Part of Fiona’s Hero

Welcome back, owlnerds. Here is the final part of Fiona’s Hero

The Synopsis:

Fiona’s world begins to fall apart. After a recent gun shooting, her biggest supporter is gone. Now she is struggling to keep the faith, keep her grades up, and stay out of trouble. Will Fiona keep the faith in one of the darkest times of her life? Or will she blame God for losing her father



Read Part One

Read Part Two

Read Part Three

Read Part Four

Want to be a dear and help me a lot? Comment down what you would rate this story and tell me how you like. Thanks. Enjoy!!

The Run:

My ears rang as I could hear the gunshots. Running out on the streets as cars honked their horns as I ran across Mainstreet. A caution tape wrapped around the entrance of the theater as a large crowd circled around to curious of what happened. Pushing through the crowds, I noticed a body that was surrounded by medics. Fighting off the police officers that grabbed my arms trying their best to pull me away.

I ripped the tape as my heart froze, there laid my father with his chest covered in blood and breathless. My heart drowned in tears as my mother screamed by name in the distance.

***

Jerking my head upwards and realizing I was only dreaming.  I stripping myself from the bed as I pulled another tank top over me. Pulling a pair of sneakers from under my bed, I grabbed my navy bum bag as I clipped around the front of my waist. My fingers gathered my messy hair as I tied it up in a messy bun. My eyes blinked as I realized it was only six thirty in the morning. Of course. I rolled my eyes as I decided to run away. Forgetting my phone in my room as I tiptoed to the kitchen and pulled a water bottle out of the refrigerator and placing inside my bum bag. I closed the door of the house as I headed out. The sky was barely awake as it was fairly dark outside still. I smiled as I remember there were street lights to the place I was heading. Turning right off Elite Street, I ran until I stopped at a trespassing area. Looking both ways before climbing over the fence. I started to jog as she soon was swallowed up by the woods that surround her. Soon I was able to be out in the open area again as I noticed the stone wall my father first showed me when I was little.

Sitting down on top of the four-foot wall that oversaw the city of Hartfield. Thinking of how my father’s death my father’s death caused me to act. And sure I thought daily people lose someone but was it necessary to act like that? The fact that life isn’t about me or what I want. Life doesn’t go what I plan on.

I turned my head as I realized how I acted toward my own mother. A jerk, a dumb jerk. Sitting up as I ran home, barely noticed the sun rising from the east.

My heart stopped as the door of my house was wide open. Mom. I ran inside the door as my head turned as I noticed one of my mom’s lamp was shattered in pieces. “Mom, mom. Where are you?” I scanned the room as I noticed my mom’s room was opened. My spine noticed as I saw clasped on the bed from a stranger. “Hey.”

The stranger turned as he smiled.

My eyes widened as my mom had tears dripping down her face.

“Run, Fiona,” she moaned as she fell on the bed as the stranger smacked her face.

The stranger walked toward me as he placed his hand across my face.

My heart raced as I watched his movement.

“Well, it isn’t Kenneth’s daughter. If only you saw your father’s reaction when he realized who I was.”

Cyrus. “What are you doing here? You killed my father and got your revenge.”

“Ha, you think by killing him I feel better that he killed my wife.”

“He didn’t kill her.”

He gripped my throat and he slammed in a wall that a hanging picture. The glass pierced my back as I gripped for air “The only thing that will make me happier is killing you and your disgusted mother.”

I moaned as I could barely speak. “Kill me and only me. Leave my mother out of this.”

“Like I am going to do that.”

I looked over Cyrus’ shoulder as I watched my mother trying to dial her phone.

He released the grip from me as he pulled out his gun toward my mother.

With barely any strength, I threw myself as he clicked the gun. Falling on the bed with blood dripping down my chest.

I could barely hear my mother scream in pain as she dropped the phone and scrambled toward me.

In the background of everything going through my head, I could hear the faint sound of sirens. My vision blurred as I couldn’t see Cyrus anymore. My head lifted up as I could feel the warmth of my mother’s tears.

“Fiona, whatever you do. Don’t fall asleep.”

“Mom, please forgive me.”

My mom shook her head.

“Please, mom. I was selfish. I forgot how you are feeling since he died.”

She unraveled my hair as she began to pat it gently. “Shh..”

My head lends back as my eyes began to see only darkness. My eyes fluttered as I knew my time was coming to an end. Please, God, forgive me of my selfishness. And God please protect mom and the innocent people who deserve more love and forgiveness than I have with You. “Mom, I love you.”

THE END