Journal Entry: Letting Go

Welcome back to a new post, owlnerds. Today I share a journal entry. I am currently in the progress of moving my second blog stuff to here. I thought best to work on one blog instead of juggling two. So there will be blog posts from my other blog. You have been warned.

(From Feb. 11, 2019)



So this blog post is long overdue. I probably avoiding this post for the longest even before I launched this blog itself. I told myself I would never write this but I think if you write something down it is easier to let go of the situation.

Letting go of a situation you can’t control at all is a struggle. I have been struggling it, especially with this situation. I wouldn’t go into details but if you know me you probably what the story is about. Or now know the real reason behind some of my recent actions I been doing. So I know this person for the longest time and we promised to go to the same places (college, living together, and such) but this idea we had was not the same of what God wanted. And for one, I didn’t want this to happen. And for years, I saw signs but ignored it. Since I have a tendency to give people ton of second chances.

The first signs of this were I had this person and another person really close to me but they clash. And that person knew fell apart and I couldn’t believe it happen.

The other person we got closer but slowly we fell apart. We were not close friends anymore and the worst thing is that I am too afraid to talk to the person and ask what we are anymore. Since I am afraid of being shattered again. The other worst thing about is that I see this person at least one week and I always seem to pass this person. It really is a struggle and fear I have still never get over it. So prayer would is much needed.

And being who I am, wrote poems to express my mixed feeling toward them and no one actually knows the real reason behind those poems. I really just lost myself in this. I now avoid getting close to people or making new friends because I am afraid the past will repeat itself. If you are a friend reading this, I am sorry I have been distant and it isn’t because of my introverted nature, it’s because of this.

Now I write the harder part of this post. Another thing, I struggle to let go. So around five years ago and everything was going well. A new year was happening and everything was fine until one day my family received news that would change my life forever. The news was that my grandfather I died from unknown reasons. I had already been struggling since I saw him in the hospital with blood clots in his legs around a year before. But to lose him, I think I froze. And once you hear some sad like this, you would cry and get emotional but I just didn’t. I refused to believe it. My best friend was gone. The closest family member, I had was gone. The worst thing is that I don’t know if he is heaven since he never gave testimony in his belief in God so I was basically devasted.

When people say you will see them in heaven and I know it is in God’s power whether or not he is heaven or not. But this is another thing shattered me. I shut all emotion out and started to see hallucinations of him whenever we drove to places. We would be driving I would see someone that looked like him on the side of the road but no one was actually there. I was just imagining it. The hardest thing, when you are at the store and you see someone that looks at him but know isn’t since he is not here anymore.

Its been a struggle the past several years and I still am affected by it. This is the reason why it is so hard for me to let go. And of course, they are just memories. I am trusting God in all of this. Yeah, the real reason behind my distance toward people. Thanks for reading.



Under the Grave: A Poem

Welcome back, owlnerds! I am currently open to blog post ideas.

Here is a poem, I wrote a few weeks enjoy!

I laid there silent and cold

As the world continued on

Under the surface of where people walk

Talked and embraced

Clueless of what will happen next 

After the service where people throw dirt

Upon the new bed, I now lay on

I am dead as a doorknob

I can’t think of the memories

I once had.

Or the sweet and soft touch of my beloved.

Will I go to heaven or hell?

Before we die, we look at two options

Chained and tortured in hell forever

Or fellowshipping with Jesus and deceased loved ones.  

I for one do not skip a heartbeat 

I know I will go to heaven

I believe Him as the One True God

His Son came down to earth

He chose me with the filth

 And wickedness, I carry.

Lord willing, He will open the gates of heaven 

And greet me with open arms

And now you are questioning 

If I know if I will see my loved ones in heaven

And no, I don’t. 

But I trust Him. 

There comes a time

Where we will die or 

We find out that someone close died

Its a sad time but we should rejoice

 That we will meet again in heaven.

Death, a thing which is unnatural in our way of life

A thing we shouldn’t take lightly

Created by our ancestors

The founding father of man, Adam

 And ourselves for we are from him.

We were tempted by the serpent 

To disobey God 

For we believed that we would become a

Godlike such like

 Our Father who made

But it was lies.

Now we are dead. 

Under the ground

Cold and alone

 Preparing for our judgment

The time is drawing near

And whether  or not

We will be under grave

Is a question

That will be soon answered.

Final Part of Fiona’s Hero

Welcome back, owlnerds. Here is the final part of Fiona’s Hero

The Synopsis:

Fiona’s world begins to fall apart. After a recent gun shooting, her biggest supporter is gone. Now she is struggling to keep the faith, keep her grades up, and stay out of trouble. Will Fiona keep the faith in one of the darkest times of her life? Or will she blame God for losing her father



Read Part One

Read Part Two

Read Part Three

Read Part Four

Want to be a dear and help me a lot? Comment down what you would rate this story and tell me how you like. Thanks. Enjoy!!

The Run:

My ears rang as I could hear the gunshots. Running out on the streets as cars honked their horns as I ran across Mainstreet. A caution tape wrapped around the entrance of the theater as a large crowd circled around to curious of what happened. Pushing through the crowds, I noticed a body that was surrounded by medics. Fighting off the police officers that grabbed my arms trying their best to pull me away.

I ripped the tape as my heart froze, there laid my father with his chest covered in blood and breathless. My heart drowned in tears as my mother screamed by name in the distance.

***

Jerking my head upwards and realizing I was only dreaming.  I stripping myself from the bed as I pulled another tank top over me. Pulling a pair of sneakers from under my bed, I grabbed my navy bum bag as I clipped around the front of my waist. My fingers gathered my messy hair as I tied it up in a messy bun. My eyes blinked as I realized it was only six thirty in the morning. Of course. I rolled my eyes as I decided to run away. Forgetting my phone in my room as I tiptoed to the kitchen and pulled a water bottle out of the refrigerator and placing inside my bum bag. I closed the door of the house as I headed out. The sky was barely awake as it was fairly dark outside still. I smiled as I remember there were street lights to the place I was heading. Turning right off Elite Street, I ran until I stopped at a trespassing area. Looking both ways before climbing over the fence. I started to jog as she soon was swallowed up by the woods that surround her. Soon I was able to be out in the open area again as I noticed the stone wall my father first showed me when I was little.

Sitting down on top of the four-foot wall that oversaw the city of Hartfield. Thinking of how my father’s death my father’s death caused me to act. And sure I thought daily people lose someone but was it necessary to act like that? The fact that life isn’t about me or what I want. Life doesn’t go what I plan on.

I turned my head as I realized how I acted toward my own mother. A jerk, a dumb jerk. Sitting up as I ran home, barely noticed the sun rising from the east.

My heart stopped as the door of my house was wide open. Mom. I ran inside the door as my head turned as I noticed one of my mom’s lamp was shattered in pieces. “Mom, mom. Where are you?” I scanned the room as I noticed my mom’s room was opened. My spine noticed as I saw clasped on the bed from a stranger. “Hey.”

The stranger turned as he smiled.

My eyes widened as my mom had tears dripping down her face.

“Run, Fiona,” she moaned as she fell on the bed as the stranger smacked her face.

The stranger walked toward me as he placed his hand across my face.

My heart raced as I watched his movement.

“Well, it isn’t Kenneth’s daughter. If only you saw your father’s reaction when he realized who I was.”

Cyrus. “What are you doing here? You killed my father and got your revenge.”

“Ha, you think by killing him I feel better that he killed my wife.”

“He didn’t kill her.”

He gripped my throat and he slammed in a wall that a hanging picture. The glass pierced my back as I gripped for air “The only thing that will make me happier is killing you and your disgusted mother.”

I moaned as I could barely speak. “Kill me and only me. Leave my mother out of this.”

“Like I am going to do that.”

I looked over Cyrus’ shoulder as I watched my mother trying to dial her phone.

He released the grip from me as he pulled out his gun toward my mother.

With barely any strength, I threw myself as he clicked the gun. Falling on the bed with blood dripping down my chest.

I could barely hear my mother scream in pain as she dropped the phone and scrambled toward me.

In the background of everything going through my head, I could hear the faint sound of sirens. My vision blurred as I couldn’t see Cyrus anymore. My head lifted up as I could feel the warmth of my mother’s tears.

“Fiona, whatever you do. Don’t fall asleep.”

“Mom, please forgive me.”

My mom shook her head.

“Please, mom. I was selfish. I forgot how you are feeling since he died.”

She unraveled my hair as she began to pat it gently. “Shh..”

My head lends back as my eyes began to see only darkness. My eyes fluttered as I knew my time was coming to an end. Please, God, forgive me of my selfishness. And God please protect mom and the innocent people who deserve more love and forgiveness than I have with You. “Mom, I love you.”

THE END

Fourth Part of Fiona’s Hero

Greetings, owlnerds! Here is the fourth part of Fiona’s Hero.

Here is a recap:

Synopsis: Fiona’s world begins to fall apart. After a recent gun shooting, her biggest supporter is gone. Now she is struggling to keep the faith, keep her grades up, and stay out of trouble. Will Fiona keep the faith in one of the darkest times of her life? Or will she blame God for losing her father?

Read Part One

Read Part Two

Read Part Three

The Revelation (Fourth Part):

 I looked up as I felt a presence with me. My eyes widened as my father stood before me.

                He placed his hand on my back as he grinned. “Fiona, don’t blame God for this. Even when Job lost all of the children, he didn’t blame God for it. Its states in Job 1:21, “And said, Naked came I out of my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return thither: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord”( Job 1:21). You need to remember how mom felt when her father died. She didn’t go into deep mourning and disappear from existence. She remembered that the Lord will guide her in the darkest times of her life.” I will bless the Lord, who hath given me counsel: my reins also instruct me in the night seasons. I have set the Lord always before me: because he is at my right hand, I shall not be moved. Therefore, my heart is glad, and my glory rejoiceth: my flesh also shall rest in hope. For thou wilt not leave my soul in hell; neither wilt thou suffer thine Holy One to see corruption. Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is the fullness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures forevermore” (Psalm 16: 7-11).

            As the shower curtain pulled open, Mom placed a towel around my bright red back. “Fiona get up, baby. Your back is bright red.”

          My eyes flickered open as my head jerked back. The stinging pain of hot water caused me to moan. I slowly stood up as I bit my lip causing my lip to bleed.

          I looked at my face through the steamy mirror as my mom helped me into my bed.

               She grabbed a sports bra and helped me put it on. Slowly pulling down the towel, she gasped. “Oh, Fiona. My baby girl, your poor back.”

             I squeezed my eyes shut as my mom touched me.

            “I will be right back. I am going to get you a pack of ice and some aloe.”

              Turning my head, I wrapped the towel around my waist. I pulled open a drawer of my dresser and grabbing a pair of shorts. underwear and a tank top. Dropping the towel as I changed to a pair of black athletic shorts. Slowly I changed into a thin blue tank top.

                The door opened as my mom gasped. “Fiona, what are you think?” Grabbing my top as she tried to pull it off.

             “Mom, stop it.” My head turned as my eyes narrowed towards my mother.

               Mom’s eyes widened as she released her grip from my tank top. Placing the aloe bottle down as she clicked it open.

              “My mom please, I can do this by myself.”

                “Fiona.”

               Does she think I can’t do this? “Mom, now.”

                My mom stood up as she left the room.

               Good job, Fiona. Yell at your mom, like that is going to help anything. My eyes rolled as I grabbed the bottle and dumped some on my hands. Trying my best to cover my back as my shoulders began to ache. Slowly lying to the side of my bed, I wondered if I was seeing things or my father was actually there. He is dead, I had to repeat myself. He is not alive anymore.

Comment down below if you are enjoying it so far.

Thanks for reading!

Fiona’s Hero Part Three

Welcome back back, owlnerds! Enjoy Part Three: The Argument

Flipping on the living room lights, I headed toward the kitchen. With piles of dishes in the sink, I ignore the mess and open our stainless steel refrigerator. Opening the bottom drawers, I pulled out an apple and a string of cheese. Shutting refrigerator door, I rolled my eyes.

Mom had placed both of her hands on both of the counters so I couldn’t get out. “Fiona, please don’t blame God. Your father wouldn’t want you to act like this.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Like what, mom? How can I be normal when my father dies? People say the grief will pass. It’s a lie. How can they know anything? All the people who tell me this, have never lost anyone.”

Tears dripped down my mother’s face as she placed her hands off the counter.

Racing past her as I opened my bedroom door.

My room was like an average bedroom with a bed in the middle under the window. My white wooden desk on the right and my night table on the other side. The bathroom stood on the left side of the room. Falling flat on the bed as I pull a pillow off and hug it. Slowly my eyes shut and I pass out.

My eyes widened as sweat paced down my neck. Shifting my head, I realize what I was seeing was just a dream. Sitting up as I rubbed the back of my neck. It was a dream, I tell myself. Dad is gone, the shooters are not coming to get you. Just breathe. Removing the sheet of my sweating body, my eyes turn toward my nightstand where my father’s bible sat there. Turning my head, I jump off my bed and into the bathroom. I strip down, turned the hot water on and dip in. Steam fills the air as I begin scrubbing my head with lavender shampoo. My ears perk up as I hear something.

“Come on, Melinda, Let’s surprise Fiona.”

“Kenneth, you can’t surprise her if you are not whispering.”

Tears drip down my face as I remember the exact moment in time that conversation had happened. It was the morning of my sixteen birthday I just woke up because of my “whispering” to my mom. Crouching down as I curled my hands around my knees as I ignored the fact that my skin began to burn bright red as the water continued to run. “Papa, why did you die? I should be taken your place. You never deserve to die.”

Book review: Libby’s Cuppa Joe *Spoilers included*

Welcome back!

*DISCLAIMER: I was give a free copy from  Ambassador International Blogger Review Team for a honest review* (There is spoilers)

Title: Libby’s Cuppa Joe

Genre: Christian Contemporary

Romance: unmarried sex resulting a pregnancy

Language: some mentions

Dislikes:

A criminal becoming a pastor. Sure its possible but I see this too often.

A new pastor comes to town and falls in love with the main character and confesses his feelings after she returns to faith and then they is no mention of her answer and it goes straight to her wedding with him. It makes sense but maybe its just me.

Damon, but everyone hates him.

Sonja is a bit rude, whiny, but what did I expect from a city girl thinking she can run a business.

The story itself is slow paced. I picked to read this book because I was drawn by the synopsis and the mention of the coffee shop.

Thanks for reading! Make sure to you like this post, comment what book I should review next. If your author, I will be honored to read your book. Also make sure to follow my blog to be the first ones to see my newest posts.

Fiona’s Hero Part Two

Hello, owlnerds. Here is the part two of Fiona’s Hero. Enjoy!

The Drive Home

The honking of car made me turn quickly. A car had slowed down in front as the passenger’s window rolled down. A older woman around her forties with dark brunette hair with olive eyes smiled at me. “What have you being doing? When I saw that you weren’t on the bus, I started to get nervous.”

I rolled my eyes. “Mom, I’m fine.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Where is your backpack?”

“I lost it.”

“Lost it, Fiona how could you have lost it?”

I opened the passenger door as I slipped in. “Charles Avery, thats who.”

Releasing her foot off the brake, she continued to drive north. “Charles Avery, maybe I should talk to his mother.”

Lifting my feet on the car’s dashboard, I turn my head towards my mother. “Please, don’t. At least he didn’t get to my wallet or phone.”

She turned her blinker on as she turned left on Elite Street. “Well either way I am going to talk to Mrs. Avery besides how is school going?”

“I would say great but that’s not true. I failed my math exam, lost my science essay, and was called into the principal office.”

Turning her car on our driveway, she stopped the car and turned her head toward me. “Principal’s office?”

“Yeah, I didn’t know I couldn’t play hooky for English class.”

“Why did you skip class?”

I raised my hands in the air. “I didn’t make my big presentation. How can I make a presentation where I can’t bring the person part of it is dead. Hmm, mom. What am I going do?”

My mom lend forward and squeezed my hand. “Fiona, I hope you are not blaming Him for this?”

“Maybe I am. He would have been a life if there was no shooting.”

“Fiona, you can’t believe that.”

Unbuckling myself, I opened the door. “I am, mom. I am.” Tears dripped down my face as I walked toward our white town house front door. Pressing down the correct combination, the door unlocks as I head inside.

Life Update

Happy Memorial Day!! Or happy Monday to all my international owlnerds.

I hope you enjoyed your day.. You could say I did… but I did start a second part time job today. (I will not be sharing that information).

#beindependent

This months total:

Writing: 5.5k words

Read: 2 books…

Three songs on repeat:

Only Want You by Rita Ora

What A Time by Julia Michaels

Out of Love by Alessia Cara

Next month goals:

write 5k words

Finish a writing project and possibly sharing it online.

Read: 5 books

Thanks for reading!!! Be back next week for a new blog post!!

Marvel Avengers Book Tag

Welcome back, owlnerds! A new Monday, a new post. Enjoy!

I found this book tag from Kristen’s blog.

IRON MAN: A BOOK THAT MADE YOU LAUGH OUT LOUD

60400
The sarcasm that Halt has in this book is hilarious. Its the best thing yet.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: A BOOK THAT SENDS A POSITIVE MESSAGE

3636
A positive message that showcased the main problems with our world, abortion. Survival of the fittest.

THOR: A BOOK WITH A CHARACTER’S STRENGTH YOU ADMIRE

18512
Samwise, the real hero, not Frodo. He survived and was still loyal when Frodo was loyal to gollum. He carried the food during the journey. He carried Frodo up the Mount of Doom. Who else does that?

BLACK WIDOW: A BOOK WITH A KICK-ASS FEMALE PROTAGONIST

44066702
Talfia Cricket, she is bad ass. She fights a evil spirits and saves the world.

HULK: A BOOK THAT MADE YOU INCREDIBLY ANGRY

28374370
This book made me so angry. Its a retelling of Romeo and Juliet. I enjoyed it until they added a scene that had no purpose at all. It was off detail sex scene. What why? If it wasn’t in the story, I would been greatly pleased but no. That had to ruin everything. 😦

HAWKEYE: AN UNDERRATED BOOK YOU THINK MORE PEOPLE SHOULD PAY ATTENTION TO

69477
A dystopia/ post apocalyptic world: A girl who has to live post – nuclear war clueless if her any loved ones survived. She meets a man and she begins to have her doubts toward him. She questions if she trust or not? Check it out!!

*BONUS* LOKI: A BOOK WITH A TWIST OR SURPRISE THAT TRICKED YOU

17899948
This book gave me the shivers. I am surprised, shocked by the plot twist. Its disturbing. It reminds me a lot of
The Eligible Bachelor (Sherlock Holmes).

Elizabeth Noel Author Interview

Welcome back for a new blog post.

Day 4 of Dawn Chandler Blog Tour

Preorder the book.

Check out this giveaway to get a signed paperback of Dawn Chandler

Author: Eliza Noel

Author Bio: Eliza Noel is a home school graduate with passion for Jesus, people, and literature. Growing up, her favorite books were always Nancy Drew, Anne of Green Gables, and Pride and Prejudice. Around age twelve she wanted to read something with positive values in a modern setting, but couldn’t find what she was looking for. So she wrote it.

When not doing something book-related (reading, writing, blogging, bookstagramming), Eliza works at her day jobs, spends time with her many younger siblings, longboards, has coffee with friends, eats chocolate, and listens to music. California is home, but she would like to travel more and feels she could learn to be content anywhere.

Author Interview

1. What was your first idea of a story? The first one I can remember is, well, it wasn’t a good one, hahah…when I was very young I started designing a town called ‘Kidville’ where only kids were allowed. All the kids would drive those little cars, eat lots of candy and get jobs- ‘fun’ things kids typically aren’t allowed to do. Also they’d get kicked out the moment they turned 18. When I realized this wasn’t a realistic idea I decided to write a book about it instead. The most recent version (last worked on when I was eleven) was called U.S.K.O., which stood for United States of Kids Only.
2. Music or no music while writing?Music. 3. If you weren’t writing full time, what would you be doing?I’m actually working as a caregiver full time right now. My dream job though is to be a stay-at-home homeschooling mom. Until then I hope to keep writing books, travel and in general try new things!
4.What color aesthetic would you be your WIP? I’m not sure I completely understand what that means, but I’ve always pictured the cover having blue on it (and it does!), so maybe a blue aesthetic? 5. Where do most of your ideas come from?The ideas for Dawn Chandler came from a lot of real-life experiences. I have another book I hope to write that was inspired mostly by various song lyrics.
6. What is your favorite/least favorite part of the writing process?My favorite would be either the days of writing the first draft when the idea is new, exciting and all the words are flowing or reading beta reader input/advanced reviews. My least favorite is the part where I’m editing for what feels like the millionth time and questioning if anyone will ever enjoy the story.
7. Which famous person, living or dead would you like to meet and why?This isn’t really book-related, but the first person who popped into my mind was Phyllis Schlafly. She was a conservative who strongly opposed abortion and feminism. I did a research paper about her for my final school project and it was so neat to find someone who was such a strong supporter of being a homemaker when that’s so often looked down upon these days.
8. What are your writing dreams?Ooh, I like this question. I’d like to follow Dawn Chandler for several more years of her life, maybe even write a total of twelve books. Before doing that, I’ll probably take a break and write something completely new. I have various ideas, but one I’m especially excited about and have been for about four years. I’m keeping that secret for now though.

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