Miss You: A Poem of Mine

writing

Welcome Back, new poem… Its a deep one.

They tell us the best of things always disappear

I miss your smile, your laughter, your face, your grey hairs, your silly jokes

I miss the pineapple ice cream even when I refused it

I miss the long phone calls

I miss the dog that cared for you

I miss the cards of your kindness

I miss you

It broke me when you laid in the hospital bed

Blood filled your clots and you transformed into someone I knew not

The crazy things you spoke of. The best friend, you were. I miss you.

It shattered my soul when they told me 

You were gone. Gone. Gone. Those words repeated in my head.

I shook it off because I wouldn’t believe it

You were gone

And I couldn’t have said goodbye

I couldn’t say I will miss you

I couldn’t say anything

My world tumbled to the ground

And I hid away

Hid the burn, the sting, the tears

I shut people out

The people, I actually cared for

Everything disappeared

Everything

When I finally  got up

Everything was gone

And I was left with hallucinations and nightmares

Lost friends, lost words, lost things

I had to act like everything ok even when I felt weakest.

I had to be bold even when I wanted so badly to hit a wall. Scream.

I had to continue the act and pretend.

It has been five years since you left us, left me.

And don’t know if I will ever see you again

You joked about those things

You joked that you knew Him

 But were you afraid of death?

Afraid of the punishment, He would bestow on you

All these thoughts sting me

It’s burning a little more every day

Why I closed the mentioning of your name

Because of the nightmares

Why did you leave me? 

Why you make me sad?

You left this world and left me

Abandoned me

I miss you

I miss you, Captain Nemo

I miss you, Grandpa

I miss you, Grandfather

I miss you, Grandpa Dobie.

I miss you….

Why do you hate yourself?

lifestyle

I dug myself into a hole and I don’t how to get out. So hide the pain. Hide the tears. Hide the fear. Hide myself from everything around me. I use only distractions to cover my hatred of my own body. I use blood to be my satisfaction. But why? They say because its safer. It safer. People don’t care.

This is what people say to themselves. Before things worse and they hit depression, self harm and some cases: suicide.

Although it feels like people don’t care, God cares. He cares because He made you. He loves. Despite the sin we created, He loves you. He cares about you. Even if you are not made perfect. He created you to live. He created to smile and love Him.

Society wants a perfect body frame, a flawless skin. Perfect clothing attire, silky smooth hair. You are not allowed to have scars, imperfections. You have to be perfect. No thigh gap, no double chin. No wrinkles. Next thing you know, you are at a cosmetic surgeon and wanting to get the surgery done to be “perfect.” No human is perfect even after you have surgery, you notice more things you hate. Don’t feel like you were born in the wrong body. You are beautiful. You are amazing. You are different and it’s ok if you are different. Dress like you want to. Talk with truth. Laugh like no one is watching. When society tells you to do something always do the opposite. 

If you feel alone, you are not. You are someone and you are worth living.

Society is messed up. Its a temptation trap. It pushes you to the edge and the world begins to cave in. It digs to the root of your insanity. They tell you to be the best to be successful. Is to have a great job. To go to college. To be in a relationship. To have kids.

And sure, I have mention it before but we have to hear this. People need to know the truth. The brutal truth. Even if it pushes society off the edge. You can’t stop running. You are worth it. Put down that weapon that makes you bleed. Someone is think you are worth fighting for. Even in the world is crumbling. Don’t stop believing. Don’t stop hoping.

A Life Update through poetry

lifestyle, writing

Five years I felt the pain of sorrow

And now I feel like its repeating itself.

The strings of my heart are being tugged

Even now I am hiding it from human’s eyes.

I had shut the world out.

Being a timid and emotionless person was easy to be.

I was safe.

I kept people safe from my uncontrollable emotions

Now I still hide in that shell.

Afraid of what people would say if I told them the truth

Would they care less?

Or just laugh at me?

Pity me?

I’m just a hidden shell of insecurities and trust issues.

From losing a loved one. To losing a close friend who was almost like sister.

Now knowing a childhood friend is gone away

And will be only seen them until I be in the grave.

I am afraid. I will never open up again. Afraid I will be my old self.

Being that awkward teen who only hanged out with her older brothers’ friends.

Confused who to talk to.

I am lost soul.

You look at me online and see me as outgoing.

But in reality, its all lies.

You would think I would cried over the sorrow I experienced

But I hid it under my skin

Until the sadness became nightmares and hallucinations

I think something wrong with me.

Why do I cry when I laugh?

And not when I am sad.

Is something wrong with me?

I probably should see someone for this.

But even again, they will probably put me on meds

And I can’t have that again.

I have seizures when I was a child.

And barely survived the daily medicine I had to take.

It was not bad.

But to have a repeated past

would honestly break me.

Seeking God is my top priority 

Praying and reading the bible is my only comfort now.

I pray and dream of the day I will be outgoing for only a moment.

But that seems so far away.

Now I must wait for the plans He has for me.